Part of my job is to provide 1st. & 2nd. level IT telephone support.  While all versions of Windows throw a wobbly at times, many of the calls I take are 'virus' related.  The customer always complains along the lines of 'Why didn't my anti-virus - which you sold me - stop this?' - well, who opened/unzipped the attachment from an uknown source?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It is known, within the IT industry, that 90% of computer infections are user initiated!

Anyway, having got that moan out of the way, the following are some (non virus related) examples of true idiots who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a computer (they're the ones who press the TV remote buttons harder & longer when they know the batteries are flat)!  These are conversations I've actually had.  Honestly, I haven't made these up.



This one was with an hotel receptionist in her early twenties.  She said that she had no internet (now this really annoys me.  I hate it when people say that, when what they actually mean is they can't browse the web - the 'internet' is for emails!).  Anyway, that meant that I couldn't remotely connect to her machine so I would have to 'talk' her through some steps to get some initial info.  Here's how it went -


“You see the little icons bottom right on your screen…”

“What are icons?  Sorry, I'm not very good with computers.”

(I felt like explaning that originally, an icon was a religious work of art, most commonly a painting on a piece of wood about 10-12 inches square, from early[ish] Eastern Christianity but now, more broadly, is the term that is used in a wide number of contexts for an image, picture, or representation).

“Don't worry, I'd make a lousy receptionist.  They're the little pictures near the clock, bottom right on your screen.”

“Oh right, OK.”

“Can you see the network icon, it looks like two computer monitors and…”

“What's a monitor?”

“Um. What you're looking at, your screen.”

“Oh right, OK.”

“So, is there a red cross on the network icon - er, symbol?”

“No.”

“OK, so it's not a network issue then.  Can you hover your cursor over…”

“What's a cursor?”

“It's the arrow, pointer, thing on your screen that you move with the mouse.  Can you hover your mouse over the network icon please.  A message box will appear - tell me what it says.”

“Well, there's no message - but I can see the light on the screen.”

I was somewhat 'thrown' by that and then it clicked.  She'd got an IR mouse and had literally put it on the monitor!  OK, so maybe I shouldn't have said “…hover your mouse…” but given the ignorance of this girl, I didn't want to say 'cursor' again.

“Er, no.  I didn't mean…”

At that point the line went quiet!  I tried to call back but the line was dead.  It turned out that BT had 'issues' in my customer's area - but at least I didn't have to speak with the idiot anymore.  Obviously, when BT repaired the fault, everything was OK.  I don't know if she was blonde!



“Good afternoon, (company name), How can I help?”

“I need to know my MAC address but I don't know where/how to find it.  I've tried Apple technical support but can't get through their 'phone system.  I need it now!”

“OK.  First of all, who's calling and where are you calling from?”

“I'm 'S' and I'm calling from the Windsor office.”

“Hello 'S' my names Tim - and the Windsor office being…?”

“It's f***ing (company name) don't you know!”

I try my utmost not to swear in the presence of women and children - I hate it when I hear women swear.

'S', I don't believe we've spoken before and since (company name) has several clients in Windsor, how am I supposed to know where you work?  Shall we continue?

“Just get me my MAC address!” (she screamed).

“OK.  Tell me, what are you trying to do?  Why do you need your 'MAC' address?”

“What the f***!  Don't bother me with stupid questions. JUST TELL ME MY F***ING MAC ADDRESS!  DON'T YOU F***ING UNDERSTAND WHAT I WANT?  We pay (company name) for support - where's the support?”

“'S'.  No computer in the world has a 'MAC' address.  Individual components do have a unique identifier, so I need to know what you're trying to do in order to help find it.”

“I'm trying to connect to the wireless network but you idiots have put in an extra security layer and 'it' needs to know my MAC address!”

“Yes.  That's correct.  Only 'known' devices are allowed to connect to the network - as specified by 'N', your employer.  Now, if you can go 'Start' and then click on 'Run' a small box will appear.  Now type 'cmd' that's charlie mike delta and click 'OK'.  A small, black window will appear.  In there, I want you to type…”

Do we have to do all this?  Don't you have a list, a technical file or something?”

“Yes, we do - but only 'known' machines are listed!  If you can type in 'ipconfig /all', that's india papa charlie oscar november foxtrot india golf, space, forward slash, alpha lima lima and then enter that and it will display the MAC address of your network card.”

“No!  It says 'it's not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file!  How much longer is this going take?”

“Can you retype it please.”

“i p c o n f i g s p a c…”

'S', 'S'.  It's ipconfig then a space - not the word 'space'.”

Oh!  OK, it says 'Windows IP Configuration' but I can't see anything about a MAC address.”

“It's about the ninth line - starts 'Physical Address' and the value is 6 pairs of alphanumeric characters separated with hyphons.  Could you read them to me please… thank you.  Nearly there - would you transfer me to 'N' please.”

“'N''s out at lunch at the moment.  Why do you need to speak to him - oh you're not going to compain about my language are you?”

“No - it's just that I need his authority to add a new device to the network.”

“WHAT!  Oh, don't bother!”  and she put the 'phone down.

I called 'N' on his mobile and told him about my recent conversation with 'S'.  To cut a long story short; 'N' confronted 'S' about several concerns he had and 'S' ended up unemployed.  So there you go - don't upset the IT guy!



Another instance.  A customer (in this case, the proprietor), wanted her machine upgraded from Vista Business to Windows 7 Pro.



A lady I like to hear from is Betty.  Betty doesn't really belong here because, despite her advanced age, she's a savvy computer user and you only have to tell her something once.  More often than not, when Betty calls she's already saved some 5 minutes work because she tells one that she's tried x, y, z - and those steps were spot-on.  So where am I going with this?  Well, even the best of us get caught out at times!

Betty works for a 'sports' club (I'm doing my best not to identify which, or what type of, club).  The 'club' is open 7 days a week, although Betty only works Mon-Fri.  So, Betty starts work one Monday morning to find she can't print to a particular printer (she can, however, print to others).  So the 'phone rings…


“Good morning, (company name), How can I help?”

“Hello Tim, how are you?”

“Betty!  Hello!  I'm fine.  How are you?  Did you have a good weekend?”

And so the pleasantries continued for the next few minutes…

“Anyway, Betty.  What can I do for you?”

“Well, they had a power-cut yesterday (Sunday) and now neither Pauline or I can print to the HP.  The printer just isn't listed.  And yes, the printer is turned on.”

“OK.  Wait a mo while I connect to your machine.  Then you can show me where you normally see what you can't see now.”

Not a well phrased sentence I know, but I knew what I meant and fortunately, so did Betty.  So, having connected to Betty's machine, I watched as she opened a 'Word' document and tried to print it (File/Print and choose printer).

“See, there should be a printer called 'HP on Andy B's machine' - but it's not there.  I've checked in 'Printers & Faxes'; it's there but says it's 'off-line'!”

“Er, Betty.  What did you say the printer was called?”

“HP on Andy B's machine.”

“Betty.  Is Andy B in the office today?”

“No, he's at (other site) today.”

“So, there was a power-cut and you had to turn everything on this morning… Um, did that include Andy's machine?”

“Oh, bugger!  Thanks Tim.”





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